The Cemetery is Full of People Looking for Second Chances

I remember an essay I wrote in 4^th grade that has stayed with me all these years. It was about President Kennedy and his twin brother. The President was late for a speaking engagement and his brother had to sneak and stand in for him but then Kennedy dies in a helicopter crash so the deceit continues with the twin brother.  My English teacher was so impressed I got full marks and had the story read during our daily assembly. It was a proud moment and something I tell my daughter when I see how indifferent she is to a well written story. It was the first time I felt validated for anything I had done and it felt great.

Sadly that one genius moment has not followed me all the way to adulthood. In fact, I can’t imagine myself sitting to hammer away at a novel anytime soon. I did start one when I was in 7^th grade and worked on it all the way to 10^th grade. Many a night my siblings and a few neighbors would gather around the campfire we built on our concert porch and I would read them the story over and over.

Fast forward to 2013 where all I did was write articles for magazines. While there is or was pride in that, I had come to a crossroad in my life where I felt many things ought to change and be different. As any writer, novice or seasoned will say however, I have many doubting moments. Some days I’m pretty good. And some days like today I can’t string two decent sentences together.

It was around last year when I began to feel the itch to sort of spread my wings and explore beyond my comfort zone. I realized I had cozied up to my comfortable suburban life a little too much. I was writing from home, being a mom, a wife, and gardening. That was the width and breadth of my existence. There was no earth shattering moments in my solid sedentary life. Every day was stacked in perfect chronological order, like books in an old Vatican vault might be. You knew where everything was by serial number and chronologically from the Dark Ages onward. You didn't get lost in vast meandering corridors. There were no sudden stops and starts. Everything was where it was supposed to be. I had grown restless and antsy for a while but I didn't know what I was looking for or where I wanted to go. In a way I was looking for that “aha” moment that Oprah always talks about.

While waiting out on my “aha” moments however, I managed to get through a few “hmmmm” moments of my own. There was never a Eureka moment but a slow and sluggish recognition about what I should be doing. Some of the best advice during this time came from my sister who has always been supportive of my silent insanity. She said, “Just write damn it.” We had talked extensively about what I needed to do in terms of self-employment career and I know she was growing weary of my indecisiveness and lack of real motivation to move forward.

I have felt at times that my 4^th grade feat cannot be replicated. It also made me realize that I needed further challenges in my life to continue growing. If life does not challenge you, it doesn't change you. For far too long I accepted the status quo for what it was. In 2008 I created a bucket list. It was inspired by movie The Bucket List. It was a bullet point of random things that I wanted to do in my life, places to go, and things to see and achieve. I ran it by a few friends and family, and while some were enthusiastic for me, others didn't think that a bucket list was worth much because it lacked focus and direction. Someone I looked up to told me that if they wanted to do something they just did it. They didn't need a bucket list to guide them. Maybe this person lack a bit of whimsy in their lives. If they believed just a bit in pixie dust, fairies and Cinderella stories, then climbing the Kilimanjaro, a trip to Iceland, owning a Harley would not seem so out of reach.

So as I continue in my writing and blogging, I am wide open to what the future brings. In the end it’s the chances we don’t take we regret. After all the cemetery is full of people looking second chances.