The Lizard and the Frog

I need to change my sons diaper so I open up the deck door to diffuse the fumes. While he’s busy tearing open a packet of silicon beads I’m jumping up and down half a million times because a slimy white frog brushed against my hand. I should say THAT slimy frog because he’s not a first time offender. We are well acquainted; the bugger likes to stick by the deck all year long. The first time I met him I thought he was just hibernating the winter away. Spring has been here for a while and he is still squatting on the concrete deck. Don’t know what keeps him there because it’s not like we have anything worth eating- minus the yearlong vampires, I mean mosquitoes.

Anyway, for the first time Froggy is showing signs of life- as in he’s actually jumping into the house, blinking and moving all 4 scrawny limbs. That’s never happened before. He’s always been this lifeless little beady eyed slimy white thing that just plasters to my walls and doors. I can literally feel him crawling on my hands right now. This moment however, I just want him gone. My son is standing at the doorway looking at me like I’m superwoman who is going to save the day. He won’t even come out because I’m standing there holding a broom slamming it to the ground so that I scare off the little squatter. At the risk of offending PETA and their affiliates worldwide, I really just wish the thing would either die or rehome. Either way, I’m not impressed by its longevity. What is the life expectancy of frogs anyway? Aren’t they supposed to live just a few months then perpetuate before their eventual demise?  What I see instead is a splatter of icky little limb prints on the concrete floor. Who knew that frogs are wet through and through- as in the thing went smack against the wall and left a whole body print. I’m never walking on the same ground again.

After I’d walked Froggy to a quiet corner I’m turning back to go into the house and low and behold there is this huge gray lizard zigzagging the walls into my study. Damn! What’s it with uninvited amphibians and reptiles today? Why can’t I find a cute little stray dog, or pretty butterflies fluttering around, or even fluffy little kittens (as much as I don’t like cats)? Instead I am on a losing contest with impassive muculent critters. I don’t want to smack it with my broom but the fool won’t get the message either. Thankfully, my son comes barging through the door and the lizard scuttles away. Day is saved and I can finally safely walk back to my house.

I desperately need to sanitize- where is my Purell?